I just hit my 4.5 year anniversary of PTSD and am very reluctantly realizing I will indeed have this forever. Bits, pieces, parts, sensitivities, soft spots, and very likely a certain biochemical and genetic disposition.. it will forever be lurking and the best I can do is deal with it. I have every intention of living my life, but I’m going to have to build and use an arsenal of coping skills if I’m going to have the life I want. And I must accept that some days the best I’ll have is a 25th-place car.

It’s just so against my nature to accept anything less than 100%. My momma didn’t raise no half-assed kid.

After making decent strides in healing this summer, and then the vicious mental tumble & backslide I took this fall & winter, I’ve been focusing heavily on physical health as a key to recovery. Any resource you read on PTSD will provide dozens of techniques grounded in the physical body which then translate to the mind.

To me, these skills are lovely, but I never expected that they would all do so little for me. I am pretty decent at aborting a trigger, but the trigger isn’t the problem… if I’m being triggered by something, I’m already in a fairly poor place mentally (because I don’t trigger when I’m feeling good). And none of these skillz give me a desire to draw the next breath. I’m glad that I’m not shaking like a leaf, seeing stars from holding my breath, and can actually think in cohesive thoughts……… but then what? What is the point of it all anyway??

And that is where I get stuck, even still. During this winter’s annual mental crash, I have endured significant cycling between feeling positive and forward-oriented, with a vision & goal for my life……. and bleak darkness fraught with sheer exhaustion, nightmares and good old-fashioned paranoia. And since it seems that this tumble occurs when the days get shorter, darker & colder (all in the physical realm) and most coping strategies are rooted in the physical body, and we are experiencing imbalances & problems with our physical bodies (our minds being just one organ), well, studying and working on physical health this winter seemed a natural course.

I started taking NeoLife’s Salmon Oil (5/day) and 4Life’s Glutamine Prime (6/day) as both have been shown to improve mood. There’s a whole scientific thing on brain chemistry and glutamine I’ll dig up (here – fascinating!). Glutamine has been associated with severe mood swings/manic episodes in Borderline Personality (BPD) patients. I did experience a manic dysphoric episode in October, 2 days after starting the same Glutamine supplements, but in all fairness there was a lot of crazy external input, I was ovulating, and the Glutamine’s involvement in the whole thing was quite possibly just coincidental. Regardless, I warned my Mom that I was starting the Glutamine and that if I went manic-dysphoric again, I would be alright, to give me 48 hours, and if it didn’t self-resolve then I was stopping the Glutamine. I did feel wickedly mood-swingy that first 24 hours, but after that I felt fine. About 2 weeks after starting the Salmon Oil + Glutamine I noticed that I did feel more positive generally. Yay! Score.

Next focus was energy. Why are we PTSDers so damn tired all the time? I mean, deep sheer exhaustion, even now. I still NEED 10-12 hours of sleep every night. Why? From a purely biological calories in/calories out standpoint, I reasoned a good chunk of it was due to the disease releasing hormones that were either depleting nutrients at a rapid rate, or that were blocking the absorption of nutrients as I took them in. I also recognized that after 4.5 years of being basically bedridden, my muscle mass was near absolute zero.

First I tackled nutrients. I added 1 NeoLife Phyto-Defense pack daily. This contains the phytonutrient content of six servings of fruits & vegetables, including carotenoids, flavonoids and cruciferous sources. The difference was immediate — I felt more “solid” right away the next day. I haven’t skipped a day since. Also, when I take 2 Womens’ One-A-Days (1 every 12 hours) I definitely have an energy boost. This is pretty much inexplicable and ridiculous, considering the miniscule relative nutritive value of WOADs, but whatever. It works.

I also started doing P90X. I want so badly to be strong, in good shape, lose the remaining fat and be a healthy, strong, capable hottie. I’ve always wanted to do P90X so in December I bit the bullet and bought it. (Well, Mom bought it. *sigh*) It took me 10 days to rearrange 1/3 of the basement to create a workout area and a work station/desk. It took another week to get up the nerve & energy to even start the program.

And, it’s been a roller-coaster since. I have spurts of of 3-4 “good” days where I have enough energy to actually workout. By day 4 I am so exhausted that I crawl into bed, pass out, and it takes 2-3 days to get back on my feet. By the third rest day I feel like a total loser and as if I have now surely lost whatever strength I had just gained. The “highs” I get from working out are mediocre at best (“oh, good, I’m done. Well that was nice”) and the lows are deeply personal and disappointing.

I expect a level of performance out of myself that I just don’t seem to have, and that frustrates me. I know it is largely WINTER that is jailing me in this hole,  and soon spring will be here and I will not be ready for it. I have set my goal and I am not reaching it, and I am deeply deeply frustrated.

I’ve since added Shakeology to my daily diet. It is designed as a nutrient-dense meal replacement, although it is just as easily used as a supplement to a normal diet for those who need the extra nutrition. I’ve been drinking it for 5 days now and must say I do have fewer food cravings overall, while feeling like I get a huge chocolate cheat every day. Extra energy and feeling super wonderful? Eh, negligible at this point. I am using it as a meal replacement, so my body is already running at a significant calorie deficit. Thankfully it does seem to have helped finally broken a weight plateau that’s been driving me freaking insane for the last 2 months. :) If it helps me lose weight, feel “treated” to yummy things while calorie restricted and cuts the grocery bills? — I call that a keeper.

I just hit my 4.5 year anniversary of PTSD and am very reluctantly realizing I will indeed have this forever. Bits, pieces, parts, sensitivities, soft spots, and very likely a certain biochemical and genetic disposition.. it will forever be lurking and the best I can do is deal with it. I have every intention of living my life, but I’m going to have to build and use an arsenal of coping skills if I’m going to have the life I want. And I must accept that some days the best I’ll have is a 25th-place car.

It’s just so against my nature to accept anything less than 100%. My momma didn’t raise no half-assed kid.

After making decent strides in healing this summer, and then the vicious mental tumble & backslide I took this fall & winter, I’ve been focusing heavily on physical health as a key to recovery. Any resource you read on PTSD will provide dozens of techniques grounded in the physical body which then translate to the mind.

To me, these skills are lovely, but I never expected that they would all do so little for me. I am pretty decent at aborting a trigger, but the trigger isn’t the problem… if I’m being triggered by something, I’m already in a fairly poor place mentally (because I don’t trigger when I’m feeling good). And none of these skillz give me a desire to draw the next breath. I’m glad that I’m not shaking like a leaf, seeing stars from holding my breath, and can actually think in cohesive thoughts……… but then what? What is the point of it all anyway??

And that is where I get stuck, even still. During this winter’s annual mental crash, I have endured significant cycling between feeling positive and forward-oriented, with a vision & goal for my life……. and bleak darkness fraught with sheer exhaustion, nightmares and good old-fashioned paranoia. And since it seems that this tumble occurs when the days get shorter, darker & colder (all in the physical realm) and most coping strategies are rooted in the physical body, and we are experiencing imbalances & problems with our physical bodies (our minds being just one organ), well, studying and working on physical health this winter seemed a natural course.

I started taking NeoLife’s Salmon Oil (5/day) and 4Life’s Glutamine Prime (6/day) as both have been shown to improve mood. There’s a whole scientific thing on brain chemistry and glutamine I’ll dig up (here – fascinating!). Glutamine has been associated with severe mood swings/manic episodes in Borderline Personality (BPD) patients. I did experience a manic dysphoric episode in October, 2 days after starting the same Glutamine supplements, but in all fairness there was a lot of crazy external input, I was ovulating, and the Glutamine’s involvement in the whole thing was quite possibly just coincidental. Regardless, I warned my Mom that I was starting the Glutamine and that if I went manic-dysphoric again, I would be alright, to give me 48 hours, and if it didn’t self-resolve then I was stopping the Glutamine. I did feel wickedly mood-swingy that first 24 hours, but after that I felt fine. About 2 weeks after starting the Salmon Oil + Glutamine I noticed that I did feel more positive generally. Yay! Score.

Next focus was energy. Why are we PTSDers so damn tired all the time? I mean, deep sheer exhaustion, even now. I still NEED 10-12 hours of sleep every night. Why? From a purely biological calories in/calories out standpoint, I reasoned a good chunk of it was due to the disease releasing hormones that were either depleting nutrients at a rapid rate, or that were blocking the absorption of nutrients as I took them in. I also recognized that after 4.5 years of being basically bedridden, my muscle mass was near absolute zero.

First I tackled nutrients. I added 1 NeoLife Phyto-Defense pack daily. This contains the phytonutrient content of six servings of fruits & vegetables, including carotenoids, flavonoids and cruciferous sources. The difference was immediate — I felt more “solid” right away the next day. I haven’t skipped a day since. Also, when I take 2 Womens’ One-A-Days (1 every 12 hours) I definitely have an energy boost. This is pretty much inexplicable and ridiculous, considering the miniscule relative nutritive value of WOADs, but whatever. It works.

I also started doing P90X. I want so badly to be strong, in good shape, lose the remaining fat and be a healthy, strong, capable hottie. I’ve always wanted to do P90X so in December I bit the bullet and bought it. (Well, Mom bought it. *sigh*) It took me 10 days to rearrange 1/3 of the basement to create a workout area and a work station/desk. It took another week to get up the nerve & energy to even start the program.

And, it’s been a roller-coaster since. I have spurts of of 3-4 “good” days where I have enough energy to actually workout. By day 4 I am so exhausted that I crawl into bed, pass out, and it takes 2-3 days to get back on my feet. By the third rest day I feel like a total loser and as if I have now surely lost whatever strength I had just gained. The “highs” I get from working out are mediocre at best (“oh, good, I’m done. Well that was nice”) and the lows are deeply personal and disappointing.

I expect a level of performance out of myself that I just don’t seem to have, and that frustrates me. I know it is largely WINTER that is jailing me in this hole,  and soon spring will be here and I will not be ready for it. I have set my goal and I am not reaching it, and I am deeply deeply frustrated.

I’ve since added Shakeology to my daily diet. It is designed as a nutrient-dense meal replacement, although it is just as easily used as a supplement to a normal diet for those who need the extra nutrition. I’ve been drinking it for 5 days now and must say I do have fewer food cravings overall, while feeling like I get a huge chocolate cheat every day. Extra energy and feeling super wonderful? Eh, negligible at this point. I am using it as a meal replacement, so my body is already running at a significant calorie deficit. Thankfully it does seem to have helped finally broken a weight plateau that’s been driving me freaking insane for the last 2 months. :) If it helps me lose weight, feel “treated” to yummy things while calorie restricted and cuts the grocery bills? — I call that a keeper.

I just hit my 4.5 year anniversary of PTSD and am very reluctantly realizing I will indeed have this forever. Bits, pieces, parts, sensitivities, soft spots, and very likely a certain biochemical and genetic disposition.. it will forever be lurking and the best I can do is deal with it. I have every intention of living my life, but I’m going to have to build and use an arsenal of coping skills if I’m going to have the life I want. And I must accept that some days the best I’ll have is a 25th-place car.

It’s just so against my nature to accept anything less than 100%. My momma didn’t raise no half-assed kid.

After making decent strides in healing this summer, and then the vicious mental tumble & backslide I took this fall & winter, I’ve been focusing heavily on physical health as a key to recovery. Any resource you read on PTSD will provide dozens of techniques grounded in the physical body which then translate to the mind.

To me, these skills are lovely, but I never expected that they would all do so little for me. I am pretty decent at aborting a trigger, but the trigger isn’t the problem… if I’m being triggered by something, I’m already in a fairly poor place mentally (because I don’t trigger when I’m feeling good). And none of these skillz give me a desire to draw the next breath. I’m glad that I’m not shaking like a leaf, seeing stars from holding my breath, and can actually think in cohesive thoughts……… but then what? What is the point of it all anyway??

And that is where I get stuck, even still. During this winter’s annual mental crash, I have endured significant cycling between feeling positive and forward-oriented, with a vision & goal for my life……. and bleak darkness fraught with sheer exhaustion, nightmares and good old-fashioned paranoia. And since it seems that this tumble occurs when the days get shorter, darker & colder (all in the physical realm) and most coping strategies are rooted in the physical body, and we are experiencing imbalances & problems with our physical bodies (our minds being just one organ), well, studying and working on physical health this winter seemed a natural course.

I started taking NeoLife’s Salmon Oil (5/day) and 4Life’s Glutamine (6/day) as both have been shown to improve mood. There’s a whole scientific thing on brain chemistry and glutamine I’ll dig up. Glutamine has been associated with severe mood swings/manic episodes in Borderline Personality (BPD) patients. I did experience a manic dysphoric episode in October, 2 days after starting the same Glutamine supplements, but in all fairness there was a lot of crazy external input, I was ovulating, and the Glutamine’s involvement in the whole thing was likely just coincidental. Regardless, I warned my Mom that I was starting the Glutamine and that if I went manic-dysphoric again, I would be alright, to give me 48 hours, and if it didn’t self-resolve then I was stopping the Glutamine. I did feel wickedly mood-swingy that first 24 hours, but after that I felt normal. About 2 weeks after starting the Salmon Oil + Glutamine I noticed that I did feel more positive generally. Yay! Score.

Next focus was energy. Why are we PTSDers so damn tired all the time? I mean, deep sheer exhaustion, even now. I still NEED 10-12 hours of sleep every night. Why? From a purely biological calories in/calories out standpoint, I reasoned a good chunk of it was due to the disease releasing hormones that were either depleting nutrients at a rapid rate, or that were blocking the absorption of nutrients as I took them in. I also recognized that after 4.5 years of being basically bedridden, my muscle mass was near absolute zero.

First I tackled nutrients. I added 1 NeoLife Phyto-Defense pack daily. This contains the phytonutrient content of six servings of fruits & vegetables, including carotenoids, flavonoids and cruciferous sources. The difference was immediate — I felt more “solid” right away the next day. I haven’t skipped a day since. Also, when I take 2 Womens’ One-A-Days (1 every 12 hours) I definitely have an energy boost. This is pretty much inexplicable and ridiculous, considering the miniscule relative nutritive value of WOADs, but whatever. It works.

I also started doing P90X. I want badly to be strong, in good shape, lose the remaining fat and be a healthy, strong, capable hottie. I’ve always wanted to do P90X so in December I bit the bullet and bought it. (Well, Mom bought it. *sigh*) It took me 10 days to rearrange 1/3 of the basement to create a workout area and a work station/desk. It took another week to get up the nerve & energy to even start the program.

And, it’s been a roller-coaster since. I have spurts of of 3-4 “good” days where I have enough energy to actually workout. By day 4 I am so exhausted that it takes 2-3 days to get back on my feet. By the third rest day I feel like a total loser and as if I have now surely lost whatever strength I had just gained. The “highs” I get from working out are mediocre at best (“oh, good, I’m done. Well that was nice”) and the lows are deeply personal and disappointing. I expect a level of performance out of myself that I just don’t seem to have, and that frustrates me. I know it is largely WINTER that is jailing me in this hole,  and soon spring will be here and I will not be ready for it. I have set my goal and I am not reaching it, and I am deeply deeply frustrated.

I’ve since added Shakeology to my daily diet. It is designed as a nutrient-dense meal replacement, although it is just as easily used as a supplement to a normal diet for those who need the extra nutrition. I’ve been drinking it for 5 days now and must say I do have fewer food cravings overall, while feeling like I get a huge chocolate cheat every day. Extra energy and feeling super wonderful? Eh, negligible at this point. I am using it as a meal replacement, so my body is already running at a significant calorie deficit. Thankfully it does seem to have helped finally broken a weight plateau that’s been driving me freaking insane for the last 2 months. :) If it helps me lose weight, feel “treated” to yummy things while dieting

Why me? Why me? Why? Why? WHY??? Why me, why not someone else? Why can’t I have the good healthy life? Why did I get picked for this? Didn’t I give enough already? Must I give more? How much more? WHYYYY????

For years I asked this question. It was like a huge snowball of words, rolling around in my head, every minute, every hour, day and night, a constant mantra that never relented. The darkness crawled by minute by slow minute as my brain rolled, why – why – WHY??? – why me? – whyyyyyy ???

There was never an answer, just the void of an unanswered question. The same question. Over and over. Why????

For years, there was no answer. There was only the question. I struggled with the question. I just wanted to know why. WHY?? Why was I sick? Why.

I didn’t wake up one day and have answers. Although I tried to process through this infernal borderline obsession with WHY during my short stint in therapy, those efforts didn’t get anywhere; it’s like they couldn’t get deep enough to actually address the broken record itself. It wasn’t until over 3 years had passed and I’d been unceremoniously punted out of a bad personal situation that I really cracked open enough, way deep down, to be able to apply a salve and work on healing. Read the rest of this entry

Why me? Why me? Why? Why? WHY??? Why me, why not someone else? Why can’t I have the good healthy life? Why did I get picked for this? Didn’t I give enough already? Must I give more? How much more? WHYYYY????

For years I asked this question. It was like a huge snowball of words, rolling around in my head, every minute, every hour, day and night, a constant mantra that never relented. The darkness crawled by minute by slow minute as my brain rolled, why – why – WHY??? – why me? – whyyyyyy ???

There was never an answer, just the void of an unanswered question. The same question. Over and over. Why????

For years, there was no answer. There was only the question. I struggled with the question. I just wanted to know why. WHY?? Why was I sick? Why.

I didn’t wake up one day and have answers. Although I tried to process through this infernal borderline obsession with WHY during my short stint in therapy, those efforts didn’t get anywhere; it’s like they couldn’t get deep enough to actually address the broken record itself. It wasn’t until over 3 years had passed and I’d been unceremoniously punted out of a bad personal situation that I really cracked open enough, way deep down, to be able to apply a salve and work on healing. Read the rest of this entry

Why me? Why me? Why? Why? WHY??? Why me, why not someone else? Why can’t I have the good healthy life? Why did I get picked for this? Didn’t I give enough already? Must I give more? How much more? WHYYYY????

For years I asked this question. It was like a huge snowball of words, rolling around in my head, every minute, every hour, day and night, a constant mantra that never relented. The darkness crawled by minute by slow minute as my brain rolled, why – why – WHY??? – why me? – whyyyyyy ???

There was never an answer, just the void of an unanswered question. The same question. Over and over. Why????

For years, there was no answer. There was only the question. I struggled with the question. I just wanted to know why. WHY?? Why was I sick? Why.

I didn’t wake up one day and have answers. Although I tried to process through this infernal borderline obsession with WHY during my short stint in therapy, those efforts didn’t get anywhere; it’s like they couldn’t get deep enough to actually address the broken record itself. It wasn’t until over 3 years had passed and I’d been unceremoniously punted out of a bad personal situation that I really cracked open enough, way deep down, to be able to apply a salve and work on healing. Read the rest of this entry

It is only human nature that we try to find purpose in what we are going through. Everything has to have a justification, a “reason why.” If we understand it, we are much more inclined to accept it.

So it’s no surprise to find ourselves lamenting ‘Why me? Why do I have to go through this? What is the big picture purpose of this struggle and pain? Please tell me I’m not going through it for nothing.’ We plead our case to the higher powers that be, trying desperately to measure it in terms of karma, the universe, the yin and the yang, the stars, whatever. We can’t see an end to this living hell in our heads (let alone envisioning ourselves alive next week) so we desperately plead into a blind darkness that our eyes might be magically opened to the brilliant and worthwhile meaning of our struggle.

It hurts so damn bad that you can’t stand another minute of it if there isn’t some greater meaning or purpose behind it.

And yet, our eyes never are opened. We are never handed the explanation nor shown the purpose in advance. I even dare say that some people probably never even figure out any purpose at all behind their PTSD, not because it was needless suffering, but rather because they made a difference to someone or something they didn’t know about.

It is only human nature that we try to find purpose in what we are going through. Everything has to have a justification, a “reason why.” If we understand it, we are much more inclined to accept it.

So it’s no surprise to find ourselves lamenting ‘Why me? Why do I have to go through this? What is the big picture purpose of this struggle and pain? Please tell me I’m not going through it for nothing.’ We plead our case to the higher powers that be, trying desperately to measure it in terms of karma, the universe, the yin and the yang, the stars, whatever. We can’t see an end to this living hell in our heads (let alone envisioning ourselves alive next week) so we desperately plead into a blind darkness that our eyes might be magically opened to the brilliant and worthwhile meaning of our struggle.

It hurts so damn bad that you can’t stand another minute of it if there isn’t some greater meaning or purpose behind it.

And yet, our eyes never are opened. We are never handed the explanation nor shown the purpose in advance. I even dare say that some people probably never even figure out any purpose at all behind their PTSD, not because it was needless suffering, but rather because they made a difference to someone or something they didn’t know about.