Anyway, don’t be worried if I don’t poke my head up here for a few days. I feel rotten and pretty much barely have the energy to roll myself up like a burrito in the covers and stare glassy-eyed at the TV. Bleh. ##

In the past couple of years, I’ve taken much closer stock, and finally this summer I think it finally sunk in that yes, everybody else really does see me looking that nasty EVERY DAY, ALL THE TIME. That really was me. And, Ewwwwwwwww.

So it was probably not a big surprise that one day this fall, I finally up and got pissed off enough to change it.

Today I shucked my jeans off as the shower was heating up, and was turning to head over to the scale, when something caught my eye. My thighs were narrower. Thinner, smaller, whatever — they were not as far across <——–> in the mirror. ‘Whoa! Where’d they go?’ I thought, and really looked in the mirror again to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. No, they really were a little smaller! Huh.

So I stepped on the scale. Sure enough, 2 lbs down from Tuesday.

So I’m losing about a 1/2 lb a day, which is fine. That’s 3.5 lbs/week, just a bit shy of what I’d been hoping for initially (5 lbs/week) but still totally workable. If this is the rate my body is comfortable at — seriously, that’s A-OK.

The holidays are going to be really tough though. I know, everybody bemoans the holidays :-P this is hardly new territory. But honestly I’ve never been trying to lose weight through the holidays before, and dangit, I’m leery of slowing progress. I’m so dang happy to be losing it, that I just can’t reconcile giving that up.

But then I think of stuffing, and turkey, and pumpkin pie ………………. OMG. These have been the joyous staples of the holidays my whole life. I’ve never cut back on food during the holidays. Ever.

(And don’t even make quips about "gee, no wonder you got where you are." Not true. My weight gain has been no different over the holidays than any other time of year, and for over 2.5 decades I was able to pig out at the holidays and not gain an ounce.)

But then, today, I had a couple hot dogs (no bun) & onions with mustard and a couple dill pickles and ….. you know, I was full, for a long time. It’s been a good 5.5 hrs. and I’m first now getting hungry again. After a couple hot dogs and pickles?! I wonder if the food was put in front of me, if I’d even eat that much, anyway!

I’m kind of thinking that maybe I should go ahead and make a dish of stuffing (going to make it w/ tons of celery, whole wheat bread, and w/ ground turkey mixed in) but then just plan on freezing 3/4 of it in small serving-size portions. Then I can grab one when I have a taste for it. And that way I get the happy-happy of holiday smells and tastes up-front, but it doesn’t go to waste, either. (And it’s less cooking I have to do later, too. Hah!)

So I’m kind of thinking that even with it being the holidays, that I probably won’t take bucketloads in serving sizes anyhow. It is still just as much the holidays if I still eat the things I like — everything :) — but not in mountainous portions. It’s not about volume, it’s about enjoying what you do eat. Hmmmmm.

For what it’s worth, I did pick up a small jug of Egg Nog at the grocery store. You know, the dairy case kind. :) It has like 180 cal. per 1/2 cup serving (OMG!!!) but, I decided that even if I only drink a little bit at a time, I am still enjoying it and it’s still worth buying.

(There’s definitely a pattern here — a belief that if I don’t wolf down every little scrap of the item before it spoils [4-5 days] that it’s not worth being bought in the first place; as if I am only deserving to eat apples and ground beef. That’s just not true and I have to break my brain of thinking that way.)

Didn’t happen.

I spent the next 7 days, ’til about Nov. 6th, gaining weight. I actually gained 4 lbs. back total (so I was at a net loss of 7). Essentially, I wasted/lost a month on a plateau, then 4 lb. gain. Urrrghhh!! That was seriously maddening.

It was all food-related, of course, I was eating too much and too much of the wrong thing. Even complex carbs just stick to me if I don’t eat them at about 1:10 with protein.

I finally figured this carb thing out though. It’s not just that I "love carbs" or am a "Carbohydrate Addict" or even that I’m "pre-diabetic" (the last being my mother’s explanation for the panoply of odd symptoms).

I’m Sugar Sensitive. Sugar is a drug to my brain. Literally. This is a brain chemistry thing… low baseline serotonin and beta-endorphins, leading to more serotonin and beta-endorphin receptors in each synapse, which creates an extra-big "hit" of serotonin and its partner beta-endorphin when I eat sugar or simple carbs. I am an addict. Physically, addicted. Because of how my brain has been built from the start …….. structure which incidentally also causes depression (check), anxiety (check), and clearly contributes to my PTSD.

So now that I understand my tempestuous relationship with sugar, I’m finding it much easier not only to not eat it (I don’t want it), but when I do crave it, I’m listening to my body and just eating a little. No drama, no resisting, no struggle … just up and eat some. *shrug* This is a long-term battle, and I’m not going to be able to cut it out 100% right now. But I can slowly work in that direction. :)

Since that discovery, I’ve dropped 6 lbs in 10 days. For a net total of 13 GONE.

And I’m not hungry, and I’m not eating much at all. :) Now if I could just get rid of this damn migraine (hormones again, *sigh*) I’d be golden.

A month ago my Dad had a heart attack and spent about a week in the hospital. He actually died 3 times. Died. Flat-ass coded. Luckily his mistress was there the one time to do CPR, otherwise he would have been found really dead some unknown time later in the bathroom. (Nice. *roll eyes*)

The best place to sort this unexpected turn of events out was on a trail.

And somewhere out in the woods, sitting on a rock, beneath the bluff, watching the sunshine glitter and sparkle between the green leaves on the trees, I realized … I’m letting life pass me on by. And even worse yet, I’m letting life pass me by WHILE I’M UGLY.

No, no, no, no, no …….. that is not okay with me. It’s bad enough to be mentally semi-broken. But I realized I am putting things in my mouth that are making (or keeping) me fat, and that when I look in the mirror, the girl who looks back at me is UGLY. And I hate that. I HATE that.

So I decided, I was thin and pretty once upon a time. In fact, I don’t even recognize myself in pictures from college *blush* that girl looks nothing like I look today. And I want to be the pretty girl again. I want to be a Trophy Wife! And to become a Trophy Wife ………. I must lose weight.

(Never mind the getting married part. I have a feeling once I fix the things that are broken inside of me, the rest of the outside stuff will fall into place.)

So I cut my calories to 600-700/day (it would be more if I wasn’t so freaking unnerved by feeling hungry). Ideally I am eating no white sugar and no white flour. I say "ideally" because in practice, I end up making a 1/2 batch of cookie dough every other week :) usually as a result of hormone cravings. And I am discovering if I just make the damn cookie dough and eat it, then I actually feel much better emotionally, all the way around. And when I feel better, I don’t want to eat, period. Not even crap food. :)

(Who ever knew the secret to success was cookie dough?! LOL)

So far I’ve lost 11 lbs. in the past month. I was hoping for 20 lbs at this point :\ but between my period and some serious over-eating/cheating, my weight has plateaued the past 2 weeks. It sucks though … I was losing 0.5-2 lbs per day for the first 2 weeks. And then the hormones hit, and it STOPPED. *grumble* Dammit anyway!! I’ve got like 80 more lbs. to go (to get to Trophy Wife weight) and I want to lose them NOW!!

Lest people wonder and worry, I am not being stupid about this; I’m not trying to exist on Cheerios and lettuce. *wink* My diet is indeed simple though …

• Water. Lots and lots and lots of unlimited, clean, refreshing, stomach-filling water.
• 1 protein a day (either 3 eggs over-easy, or a palm-sized serving of other protein like chicken, fish or beef),
• Unlimited fresh veggies – usually onions and tomato (but really, how much onion and tomato can a person eat?! – not that much … "unlimited" just sounds good.)
• 1-2 cups all-natural unsweetened applesauce with lots of cinnamon (apples vs. applesauce – whatever you like, doesn’t matter)
• 1/4 cup cheese with anything else hot (sharp cheddar is my cheese of choice, melted on the eggs or melted on a big mountain of broccoli)
• unlimited broccoli, if I have it in the house :) — love the broc! (Apparently it’s pretty kick-ass for blood pressure, too.)
• and, 1/2 cup low-fat cottage cheese

The applesauce and cottage cheese, quite frankly, are what tide me through the day. I can snack on the applesauce off-and-on all day, and it doesn’t jack up my blood sugar. It gives my stomach something productive to do and has greater nutritional value than like, celery. ;) The rest of the food – protein + veggie + cheese are one meal, period …….. and I don’t eat great huge quantities, I’ve cut my portion sizes down to about 1/3 what I used to eat. Cripes, no wonder I was constantly gaining weight …….. :-P

I still eat carbs. There’s carbs in dairy. There’s all kinds of carbs in applesauce. There’s carbs in barley and whole grain rice, too. I have a "wild rice"/seed-like mix I like, and frankly I really like slow-cook barley, too. Melt a little butter on it, and OMG! :) It’s just that the carbs I eat are either not processed sugar, or they’re complex carbs. No more white sugar. (The only caveat being, of course, the cookie dough. *giggle*)

So, 11 lbs.

My next goal is to vacuum the living room floor, put down the high-density foam squares and plug in the DVD player ………. so I can start doing my Beach Body DVDs. It’s no-impact and seems to focus on core muscles, which is perfect for me – exactly what I need.

The weather is supposed to be gorgeous for the most of the next week (even if all the leaves have fallen off the trees – bleh) so I want to get out and walk every day I possibly can. My knee is probably 90% so I need to break this new bad stay-off-my-feet-and-rest-my-knee habit and GET BACK WALKING !!!

Too bad I can’t safely hike the park at night. I mean, I can, it’s not like I’ll get mugged :-P but I’m worried about getting lost. I’m not a big fan of the whole getting lost in the woods at night thing. ;)

11 lbs! Anybody wanna race me? Maybe that will break my plateau. *giggle*

Not skeletal muscles, as that would be like back spasms? I don’t have back spasms.

But my left hip, the internal muscles which keep the femur pulled up into the pelvis, squeeze tight. Not the external buttock muscles. The internal ones. The result is that the femur is pushed up into the cartilage and joint constantly, and the hip joint (in my pelvis) becomes really sore. Not so much sore to walk on, but it hurts particularly bad to lay on.

Although I’ll describe it to my family that “my hip is spasming up again,” it’s not really a spasm, because spasms are involuntary. This is voluntary, but controlled subconsciously; It’s not like I choose to do it, like picking my nose! It just happens.

But “spasm” closely describes the tension and tightness of the muscles that are clenched up. It closely describes the fact I am not trying to tense up my hip. And after 20 or 30 minutes, the whole joint just aches.

I try to be aware of it, and consciously relax the whole hip joint. However I’ll catch it and do this relaxation exercise easily 30+ times an hour.. sometimes several times a minute. It’s a constant battle with this subconscious thing that keeps tightening the muscles up. And I do the whole awareness-relaxation thing because if I don’t, if I left the joint stay spasmed up, it is unbelievably sore for days. At its worst, I haven’t been able to even sit on the hip. Give that whirl in real life … NOT!

So I am perpetually distracted by checking whether my hip is tightened up, then stopping whatever I’m working on and focusing on forcing the muscles and whole joint to relax. Then I go back to whatever I was thinking about.

The net result is, I am constantly distracted, and inefficient, and I often forget what I was doing, or what I was thinking about. This makes even checking or acting on emails impossible at times… I can’t follow a thought process through. It is supremely annoying, and leaves me feeling incapable.

I mean, people have posted a lot of bad reviews online. But I’m starting to wonder if it’s like anything else… 10x as many people will report a bad experience than will post a good experience… complainers are louder than happy people… and then we have that pesky one-size-never-fits-all that goes on with anti-depressants in general. ADs are such a flukey thing. The effects are so variable person-to-person. So I feel like I hit the jackpot, just for not wanting to off myself. :-P

The side-effects I reported the first week (the Day 4 post) have all but disappeared. All side-effects were gone within 2 weeks.

The longest, and most difficult for me, were the insomnia and restlessness… but they did both go away abruptly at about Day 10. The intestinal irregularities *ahem* have been highly annoying, but things are moving again without *ahem* pharmaceutical intervention. :) The only noticeable symptom that continues is sensitivity to pain, and that is slowly lessening with time. Key word being slowly. But even that is not near as bad as it was a week ago. A week ago, I wanted to cut off darn near every joint in my body…

The obvious effect, anti-depressant, is working just fine. I think that if I was in normal circumstances, I would feel great. Unfortunately I am surrounded by a very messy house (which aggravates and distracts the crap out of me, and about which I feel overwhelmed and incapable) and I am facing foreclosure on my business real estate. Intellectually I am glad to give the bank that worthless troublesome piece of sh*t, I am glad to have that ugly sore out of my life; but emotionally I carry a mountain of shame and embarrassment. I constantly wonder what people in town must think of me, how they look down on me. That I am a dismal and utter failure. And that, that’s a desperate, crushing weight to carry.

I keep reminding myself I did the best I could do at the time. I have gone back and picked apart my circumstances of the last 4 years, bit by bit, decision by decision, and I keep coming to the same conclusions I did then. I made the best choices with the circumstances I was given. I did the best I could do. If I had to do it all over again, I can’t find where I would make any changes. Changing the outcome now would have meant deeply hurting, and perhaps causing the death of, my own family.

There’s no way in hell a piece of frickin’ real estate is worth that. No way, ever. If people are going to be so insensitive (and shallow) to not understand that, they probably aren’t people I want in my life anyway. They probably aren’t going to enrich or participate in anything constructive, or helpful. So they can go squat on their opinion.

But you know, it’s hard to remember all that. It’s a lot easier to focus on the ignorant, inexperience-borne negative pre-judgments I’ve had about foreclosure and business failure for most of my young life. Doesn’t seem to matter they’re not valid… those thought patterns are believable because they are comfortable, like old jeans, I’ve worn ‘em a long time. Which is not a good reason to keep ‘em. It’s a constant, constant struggle.

If it weren’t for that colossal junk weighing me down — which I think anyone would agree, is pretty major-sized — I think I’d probably be in pretty fair shape on the current meds. I just don’t see how meds can erase circumstances. I really believe stress and depression are not unusual responses considering the circumstances. This isn’t little stuff.

It is unfortunate we were blanketed in 10 inches of snow yesterday, impeding access to the dumpster (let alone the car)… then again maybe I am just looking for excuses not to clean, eh? ;) It’s not as if there aren’t 50 million other things to clean/do… ##

I reported unreachable, incessant, maddening itching in this post. It started at 1 AM Monday, and went for 12 hrs straight. It was still there, although greatly diminished (due to meds), at my 1 PM Dr.’s appt. At the appt, it had changed to half itch, half burning.

The Dr. didn’t prescribe any anti-virals, to my surprise, because he said they are just as effective until 3 days after the rash shows up. Oh!, I said… and given the timing, I still had 5-7 days before the rash would show up… which meant up to 10 days to get on the anti-viral. So if it wasn’t shingles, I could avoid filling a $180 drug I didn’t need. Smart!

When I returned home from the Dr., I took a NeoLife Phyto Defense pack.

About the same time, I must have spiked a fever; all of a sudden it was like every joint, every neuron in my body was super-sensitive and hurt bad. Just moving in bed, caused unbelievable pain in all of my joints, muscles, skin… I’ve had this before with viruses and fevers. Just all of a sudden and the pain is just insufferable. So I took an Excedrin and tried to breathe calmly, and deeply, and lie still. Sure enough, 20 minutes later, the pain was pretty much gone. I could finally relax and try to get some sleep.

I took another Phyto Defense at about midnight; and I followed that with two Phyto Defense packs on Wednesday, spaced 12 hours apart.

The itching and the soreness in my spine at T6, are both gone.

It is as if I was teetering on the precipice of not being able to fight it off… replenished my body with the super-concentrated whole-food nutrients that are in the Phyto Defense packs, and it boosted my immune system enough that I was able to fight it off.

(I have to tell you, Phyto Defense has worked like that for me, forever. Two packs/day and I am kicking viral ass)

Never thought I would say that “I fought off the shingles,” but it appears I lucked out … this time … however it is a sure sign that I do need to take better care of myself. I’m obviously doing a poor job of that.

… incidentally, if you are a sickly chick too, and are looking to try the Phyto Defense yourself, drop me a line. I don’t make squat on the referral, but they are only sold through distributors, and my distributor can use the business. :D

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But I am not lazy, my TV is off, and I have no beer.

It all comes down to comfort level. Which is not to say, "it’s more comfy here in my jammies than bundled in a coat outside" but rather whether I am feeling strong enough to put myself in a situation that makes my heart pound and skin crawl in fear.

Today is not a Strong Day.

I had a doctor’s appt yesterday, as I believed I was coming down with shingles. I had insatiable, deep itching in a band around my left back and chest, and the lower 1/4 of my left breast. My lower back around T12/S1, as well as inside my spine at T6, were both sore. When I would scratch my skin, it didn’t help, because the itch was under the skin and I couldn’t reach it! I would scratch one place, and the itch would flare up in patches to the left and right. Then when I stopped scratching, the whole thing would flare up in defiance. Urghhhh!!! I also had a headache from sneezing/coughing, so I took an Excedrin, which cut down on the itching. (I later read, this probably happened because the aspirin/acetominophen decreased the inflammation of the affected nerve) I then took a neurontin, to try to make the Excedrin work better (because the sneezing/coughing headache rarely responds to pain meds) and naturally, that shut down the dermatome itching by probably 90%. I mean, wahooo!!! but, it’s also like taking your car to the mechanic when it’s not making the funny noise. "Hey, I’m sick, but you can’t tell." *snicker*

Anyway the doc popped a gasket about my weight, which is a smidge below my heaviest (which I’d hit last winter before losing 32 lbs), trying to scare me straight by telling me my wonky overnight/on-call work schedule is cancer-causing, and I was getting set up for a heart attack, diabetes, etc. To which my response was, (a) tell me something I don’t know, and (b) I don’t care!! I could have a heart attack tomorrow and I would not care. Got diabetes? Oh well. *shrug* Guess that’s the way it goes.

And I also told him where he could stick turning my diet upside-down, and eating all new foods that I hate. (Which is going some, because I love meat and veggies. So you know he suggested some real crap.) My diet might not be healthy, but what he was suggesting was climbing a mountain, freaking me out, and it was NOT gonna happen.

He identified a lot of what I was saying and feeling as depression, which neither I nor Mom saw … and this led to a frank discussion about my PTSD and where I’m at with it. Finally, a meeting of the minds. It pissed me off that I had to break down and snivel in a puddle of snot to get the point across, but by the same token, I protect my weaknesses and emotions fiercely. I don’t let people see ‘em. I don’t let people in. So the doc had to break down my barriers in order to get to ‘em, and honestly I don’t know any other way he could have gotten to it if he hadn’t pissed me off.

So instead of just upping my Paxil to 30 mg consistently — which did "get me by" during my first 6 months of (then-untreated) PTSD, he added 150 mg Wellbutrin XL to the mix, while keeping my Paxil at 20 mg.

I was uncomfortable adding a 2nd anti-depressant because I felt as though I am masking what was going on, rather than fixing anything. I was also worried I was basically going to go manic. However, I had forgotten that anti-depressants do not make you drunk like booze, or zombie-ish like Valium. The right AD will clear the junk and sickly thoughts out of your head, and restore your long-missed clarity and good attitude. But how does that work when you’re already on an AD??

Walking out of the Dr’s office, I felt like I’d been put through a wringer. I was tired, battle-worn, and weak. Mom and I grabbed some lunch at a quiet restaurant, which felt really nice, actually, and then we parted ways… she ran her errands, and I went home and went to bed!! I’d only had 2 hrs of sleep that morning and was exhausted. Well, my nap sucked… I slept very lightly, so the 4.5 hours that passed seemed to drag by… I woke up at 9 PM cranky as all hell and with a very dry mouth. OMG, it was like cotton mouth on steroids. As I woke up a little bit more and a little bit more, my mood did improve, and I read about the side-effects of Wellbutrin… naturally freaking myself out because "irritability, anxiety, and panic attacks" are all side-effects and had been widely reported by others. I was thinking, great, I’ve been started on something that’s going to cause the problems I’m trying to get rid of! I tried to push that thought OUT of my mind, and also noted that the dry mouth was a very common side-effect… much more so than irritability and anxiety. :) Well, at least I knew it was working, right? LOL. I drank some water. Dry mouth is not a show-stopper.

Today I have noticed my eyes are very dry too. At this rate I am going to have to take my contacts out for sleeping (I know, I know, spare me the lectures) because they are way dry and clouded up. Dang! Now that’s annoying.
However I’ve also noticed that I am in a fairly decent mood today. I don’t feel quite so victim-ish today. Just generally, I don’t feel like I am at the bottom of the totem pole. I feel like I’m up a bit higher on the pecking order in life. I do feel uncertain, and fragile, like I am struggling with sorting things out in my head? I don’t feel strong. But I do feel less bad.

Add to that the fact that the world is literally covered in ice outside… we had downpour rains, then downpour ice pellets, then the temperature dropped 25° in a couple of hours, and then it snowed up the wazoo, yesterday. And the temp kept going down, down, down. The roads suck. It has been sub-zero temps all day with an incessant, cutting, dangerously cold blustery wind. Now the sun has gone down and the temps are dropping even further. My class is at a rural fire station that is out in the boonies, miles off the highway. If I go to class, we are talking a total of 45 miles on glare ice-covered roads, with bald tires, in sub-zero temperatures, in the middle of frickin’ nowhere, after dark. Uhmmmm, no, thank you. That is just way, way outside my comfort zone, especially with the emotional and physical upheaval I am going through, 36 hours and counting. The timing on this is just crackpot.

So I sent my instructor a nice email with an apology. I didn’t explain the PTSD/meds thing, I just cited the bad roads and sub-zero conditions. If he wants to push it, I will go into the gory details. I also suggested his sending me the homework assignment that he had created for the 3 people who are missing tonight due to a conference. So, there is a suitable make-up assignment, and by suggesting it I should have met the criteria the ADA cites.

An interesting thing, my Dr. was quite adamant about my having rights to financial support for medical bills (meds, appts, counseling) and that I need to hire a lawyer, if necessary, to stand up for myself and collect that. Yesterday I was sitting there looking at him thinking, "no Goddamn way, what is he smoking?!?" — particularly I did not feel I was deserving of it. Today, I find my brain actually wondering if I am deserving of it. Not so much in a logistical sense, but more in general terms, do I deserve help? As a person? Do I have a right to that expectation? I don’t believe I do, yet, but at least I am questioning it. Rationally I know there are people out there who would say this is progress.

Similarly, it took me some time to think about it today, before I finally realized that yes, I did have a right to expect to be safe at home and not out in the cold on crappy-ass roads (I mean, we are talking crappy by northern Wisconsin winter standards — this isn’t 2 inches of snow and 28° here — so you know it’s frickin’ bad) risking life and limb for something non-essential. (A 911 call is essential. A class is not.) It’s nothing like taking classes on a campus. I remember those days — totally apples and oranges. It seems rather preposterous to me that a night class being held at a backroads location 90 miles away from campus would not be canceled when every other school and meeting that required any bit of travel was canceled today. This is where the community colleges are way out of touch with the real world, IMO.

Incidentally, I have taken a NeoLife Phyto Defense pack every 12 hours and the itching has not returned. (That is also probably why I didn’t sleep well yesterday or part of last night — Phyto is so packed with nutrients, that it gives me an energy buzz and it’s just about impossible to sleep through) My New Chapter Stress Advantage arrived by UPS yesterday and I re-started my daily 2 pills/day yesterday. Between the two — I am sure mostly the Phyto, that stuff is titanium — the itchyness has not really returned, and my backaches are easily 60%+ less. I haven’t had the viral aches in my hands/wrists today either. I am thinking that I might actually successfully fight off the shingles. How freakin’ sweet would that be?! Guess we will find out when the rash doesn’t appear over the weekend or next week… :)

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